The Parody War: Nowhere To Run - Tales of the Parodyverse

    “Fall back! Fall back!!” screamed Trickshot as he desperately loosed his last arrow into the on-coming Avawarrior. His purple and green tunic was hanging off his muscled frame, blood flowing from multiple wounds.

    “I d-don’t…think they…w-want to allow t-that,” stammered Al B. Harper. He had lost his bubble pipe hours ago, along with his left arm. Lisa had done her best to stop the bleeding, but the remains of Al’s once-white coat were proving a poor bandage.

    Lisa barked out orders as she tried to staunch the bleeding. “We’ve got to regroup! Donar, lay down some cover fire!”

    The Hemigod of Thunder shrugged off his attackers and thrust his weapon skywards. “Let the rage of the Oldmanson be as one with the storm!” Lightning lanced across the battlefield, striking the Avawarriors while avoiding the ragged Lair Legion. The air was saturated with the stench of roasting flesh.

    “Come on Joe, don’t you quit on me now!” Knifey shouted at his host. ManMan was being dragged across the battlefield by Visionary, his lemon-yellow coat reduced to a dark-mustard tatter. The gash on his forehead refused to stop bleeding.

    “So tired…rest…” muttered Joe. He didn’t even have the strength to carry Knifey; Visionary had sheathed the blade for ManMan as he needed both hands free to support the Elvis impersonator.

    Yuki paused to throw a concussion grenade into a throng of Avawarriors. “What about the Shoggoth?!”

    “Leave him,” said Citizen Z ruthlessly. A thrust from her blade skewered an Avawarrior through the throat. “Or did you bring a bucket in your pocket?”

    “She’s right,” agreed Mr. Epitome, doing his best to ignore his cracked ribs. “He’ll reform on his own.”

    “We have to get out of here! If we don’t then we’re dead!” Dancer was having trouble altering probabilities with the large chunk of shrapnel stuck in her leg.

Dancer was having trouble even standing upright with the large chunk of shrapnel in her leg.

“We sure could use Goldeneyed right now,” mused Citizen Z. It was much easier to run away with a teleporter on hand.

    “Donar, Yo, you’re with me! The rest of you, get gone!” shouted Lisa. The amorous advocatrix handed Al to Mr. Epitome and uncoiled her dimensional whip.

    “You need me here,” the Exemplary Man told her. “I can still fight.”

    “I need someone to keep them safe. That’s you. Go.”

    Mr. Epitome seemed ready to argue the point, but after he glanced back at the bloody, decimated knot of heroes, he merely nodded and gently handed the Legion’s archscientist to Trickshot. “I have point. Yuki, rearguard. Move!”

    “We’re not leaving you!” shouted Visionary. The possibly fake man declined to mention the flutters he’d felt in his chest shortly after the battle had joined.

    “Orders are orders,” said Citizen Z as she slipped under ManMan’s other arm. “Let’s go.”

    As the Man of Might began tearing through the Avawarriors that barred their excape, Yo danced between the Avawarriors, distracting them from Donar and Lisa.

    “I summons that one!” Lisa commanded. The confused Avawarrior appeared before her. Mjalcom transported its head elsewhere. Forcefully. “And that one!”

    It seemed that for every enemy the Legionnaires took down two more took their place. The retreating team fared little better, as Mr. Epitome and Yuki battled desperately to keep them at bay. Trickshot gave them a tongue-lashing of a lifetime.

    “…Something’s…coming through the…portal,” Al struggled to say.

    “You mean besides th’ swarm of Avawarriors?” checked Trickshot.

    The portal the Legion had traveled to Reykjavik to stop flared so bright that even Yo could not stand to look. And suddenly the Avawarriors stopped and backed away. Donar toppled to the ground, as the only thing holding him up had been the 30 or so assailants he had been grappling with. “Thou doth cheat by moving beyond mine reach!” he protested from the ground.

    “Stand down, Lair Legion,” said every Avawarrior in unison. “You cannot win.”

    “Then we’ll die trying!” shouted Dancer at the portal, assuming that whoever had taken control of the Avawarriors had just come though it.

    “That you will,” agreed the Avawarriors. “Do you have any final requests?”

    “What did you do to CrazySugarFreakBoy!?!” shouted Visionary.

    “And cute-Hatty!” echoed Yo, shifting to male form to try and sound more intimidating.

    “Why, CrazySugarFreakBoy! is right here.” The light dimmed and the Legionnaires could see CrazySugarFreakBoy! strapped into some sort of harness. He was unconscious. “I had no idea that Impossibilitium was such a potent power source. We would never have bothered with your primitive electrical systems if we had known.”

    “Foul miscreant! Release yon Dreamcatcher at once!” Donar commanded from the ground.

    The Avawarriors shrugged simultaneously. “As you wish.”

    CSFB! toppled to the ground. Visionary helped Citizen Z ease ManMan to the ground before running forward to check on the injured Wired Wonder.

    “That was way too easy,” said Lisa quietly to herself.

    “Dream?” Visionary propped up the Legion’s deputy leader.

    “He knew. He knew everything that we would do. And he knew that the only one who could counter him was me. So he took me.” Vizh wasn’t sure what was more haunting; CSFB!’s tone or the defeat in his eyes. “He didn’t need the portal. It was all for show.”

    “You mean it doesen’t work?” checked Citizen Z. She had been hoping that maybe she could use it to escape if necessary.

    “They were already here,” hissed Yuki.

    “Where’s Hatman?!” demanded Mr. Epitome defiantly.

    “Ah, your glorious “Capped Crusader”. I’m afraid that he’s your leader no longer.”

    “Thou willst rue the day thou didst lock horns with Hatman! He is a warrior born!” promised Donar.

    “No, you don’t understand…” CSFB! struggled to say.

    “Hatty’ll get free and take down your whole damn fleet, you scum-suckin’ piece a space trash!” swore Trickshot.
He wondered if Knifey would allow himself to be lashed to a stick.

    “He is free,” said the Avawarriors. Then the light vanished.

    Standing before them resplendent in the blood-red armour of the Avatar stood Hatman, the Avatar’s helmet firmly attached to his head. His smile chilled the Lair Legion to the bone.

    “I am free.”

* * * * *

    “And that,” concluded Al B. Harper as he shut off the monitor, “is why you cannot put on the Avatar’s helmet to try and take over the Avawarrior command network.”

    “’Hatvatar’ was a stupid name anyway,” Lisa consoled CSFB! as she walked out of the room.

    “Meeting adjourned,” declared Hatman.

    Al B rubbed his left arm.

~Hat~

Post By . Thu Oct 05, 2006 at 08:24:43 pm EDT	Subject The Parody War: Nowhere To Run

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